why.

i think i'm going crazy soon
i keep thinking about boys. kissing and how i'd feel to be loved by one.
but i can't think about me actually doing it;
its just werid.

and i think i always end up hurting people , gavin ted ... just because i found out that they like me and i dont ; i tend to avoid them, ignore and not talk to them.
i think i'm being too mean
and i keep making people feel sad.
i shouldnt do this
but its the only way to make them give up wihthout hurting me - but hurting them instead. i'm very selfish arent i ?

i dont think i will make it into st andrews, i'm such a failure, my results are horrible and i am not studying.
dreams cannot be achieved if i dont do anything about it at all.
i should really stop fantasing about the impossibe and get back to reality and focus on the present and start doing what i should do.

they say the end of the worlsd is coming soon, and jesus is coming back.
i think i'll be one of the people that gets sent to hell cause i have never heard from God or felt his love for me before, (or have i? but as usual didnt notice)
maybe i'll just fall dead and die one day and when God sees me and asks me: have you ever believed and trusted me? i wouldnt really know what to say would i.
and he definately wouldn;'t call me his good and faithful servant; why would he?

but then again, its true. i have been blessed even if i dont really realise it. twice i've lost my earpiece and the first time it got crushed and daddy - the one that i'm so afraid of, the one who i never knew loved me so much- knew about it and actually got me a new one. the second time i dropped it and aunty susan picked it up and gave it back to me. i didnt even know i lost it.
yes, i am blessed.

thank God.