Thursday, July 30, 2009

why.

i think i'm going crazy soon
i keep thinking about boys. kissing and how i'd feel to be loved by one.
but i can't think about me actually doing it;
its just werid.

and i think i always end up hurting people , gavin ted ... just because i found out that they like me and i dont ; i tend to avoid them, ignore and not talk to them.
i think i'm being too mean
and i keep making people feel sad.
i shouldnt do this
but its the only way to make them give up wihthout hurting me - but hurting them instead. i'm very selfish arent i ?

i dont think i will make it into st andrews, i'm such a failure, my results are horrible and i am not studying.
dreams cannot be achieved if i dont do anything about it at all.
i should really stop fantasing about the impossibe and get back to reality and focus on the present and start doing what i should do.

they say the end of the worlsd is coming soon, and jesus is coming back.
i think i'll be one of the people that gets sent to hell cause i have never heard from God or felt his love for me before, (or have i? but as usual didnt notice)
maybe i'll just fall dead and die one day and when God sees me and asks me: have you ever believed and trusted me? i wouldnt really know what to say would i.
and he definately wouldn;'t call me his good and faithful servant; why would he?

but then again, its true. i have been blessed even if i dont really realise it. twice i've lost my earpiece and the first time it got crushed and daddy - the one that i'm so afraid of, the one who i never knew loved me so much- knew about it and actually got me a new one. the second time i dropped it and aunty susan picked it up and gave it back to me. i didnt even know i lost it.
yes, i am blessed.

thank God.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

i don't know what you're thinking,
i can't tell your feelings,
i can't read your mind.

the way you put your head on mine,
the intimacy i felt when you caressed my hair,
was it just so you? that you treat everone, thats the way you treat me.

i had enough.
i'm going to run away.

i fell in,
and now i'm stuck

i'm trying to get out desperately, but all my efforts are in waste.
i'm crying as i see whats going on above me,
you with her,
i shout your name desperately for you to save me,
but you only have eyes for her.

you finally look in,
but then you look away, as if i were invisible.
i scream, i shout, i cry.
but you never seem to hear a thing.
i just want you to save me,
but i'm nothing in your eyes, aren't i?

will anyone ever look in and take me out?


I HATE YOU FOR PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS,
I'M NOT AS STRONG AS YOU THINK I AM

to think i actually fell in love with you,
and i'm stuck now.

why?

maybe like you said, its my fault.

i'm sorry.

i guess its over.